You are not alone.

4 Nov 2020 — 3 min read

Four years ago I got up after a near sleepless night trying to cry myself to sleep on the downstairs sofa. I vaguely remember going to work, where we mourned and stormed and shared our fears and numbness together (I miss you, BTW, my POSSIBLE family). And then we put one foot in front of the other and here we are.

And last night as I watched the returns come in I felt a strange feeling of numb disappointment that I didn’t anticipate. On reflection, the 2016 election was a trauma and this is not a new trauma — it’s an opening of familiar pains, a post-trauma reaction in my body and my nervous system. So unlike in 2016, last night I got weary, which gave me an opportunity to feel tired enough to sleep. And I slept, and then I woke up, and I started in on my pandemic routine

Check my HRV to help me know how much to take on today
Listen to the Daily Shine
Lace up my sneakers and do a workout via Headspace

and after that the jumble and blur in my head takes enough shape that I can start to see the puzzle pieces in my brain with a little more clarity. So then I

Light a candle because it makes me feel — hopeful — throughout the day
Write in my journal, then
Take a few minutes to read a book. Last night I rummaged around the book pile and found my copy of How to Stop Feeling Like Shit and that gave Chris a giggle so I’m running with it.

So after all that I was able to sit down at work and take a big deep breath and figure out how to human today.

And the first thing that popped up was a message from Roya, one of our more youthful staffers who lives in Georgia (so we are, obviously, instant besties). And we took a little time together to share what we’re feeling, and what we’re doing to manage it as we try to figure out how to work, and student, and family today.

And I wrote something to Roya that I wanted to share with you all here today.

I'll share with you what's bringing me a little bit of peace yesterday and today -- not sure it helps, but just in case it does.

What moves me is love. Love for my neighbors and my community and our friends and family -- even for the ones who operate based on different beliefs and information than I do. That's what I have, it's what courses through my veins and moves my muscles. So when that's what's moving me, I feel a deep faith that in the end, love wins.

I don't know what shape that takes, I don't know what the outcomes will be, and I wish we could get there with less suffering, pain, needless death. But I have to believe that ultimately, love wins.

So that's how I got out of bed this morning, and I'm going to join you in staring at work and not understanding how people are working this morning, and just try to love my way through the day (in between moments where I can't keep it together, and that's ok too, so during those moments I'll take breaks and breathe and cry or whatever happens -- to feel the feelings).

You are not alone. ❤️

And as the morning clicks on, I’m scheduling meetings and making commitments and answering questions and checking in on my people

and thanks to my dear friend and colleague Matt, I turned on the #JoyToThePolls playlist on Spotify and it’s acting a bit like a battery charger for me so I hope it does the same for you

as has the Morning Show on KEXP with John Richards … who is the source of the mantra that starts and ends this message:

You are not alone.

And I’m hoping for the best and fearing the worst and also reminding myself in the moments when my faith flags that ultimately,

love wins.

It has to.

Love,